NOBODY LIKES YOU WHEN YOU’RE 23

I am very lucky to say that I’ve had the same close group of girlfriends for years now and as all of us are either 23 or quickly approaching it, I decided that I wanted to put together some little bits of wisdom to share with the rest of the 23 year olds out there. Truth is, this could probably apply to any 20-something year old, but Michael Jordan and Miley Cyrus made 23 such an intriguing number, why not roll with it.

From mustache waxing to loving yourself to wearing lipstick -enjoy the life advice that I have gathered from my own thoughts and the minds of my genius girlfriends through a massive group message. Trust me when I say this comes from a very diverse group of women – some in “career” jobs, some pregnant & married, some barely making it from Monday to Friday – but all of us agree that these are essential to life.

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P.S. Big thanks to Carly, Alyssa, Holly, Taylor, Alex, Courtney, Katie and Andi for your wise words, sarcasm and funny pictures. Also, for your continued friendship over the years *cheesy moment*. You da real MVPs though.

23 Bits Of Wisdom for 23 Year Old Ladies Everywhere
1. Learn how to walk in heels higher than 3 ½ inches
-Practice makes perfect! And it’s basically a scientifically proven fact heels make your legs look 10x better.

2. Get yourself a simple email address
-Forget the days of AIM screen names and please ditch the “sk8rgrl14@yahoo.com” or “tayyy.babeee@gmail.com”. Please just make one with some combination of your first and/or last name and maybe a number and let’s call it a day.

3. Always have a close group of girlfriends
-By this, I mean the real ones, the friends who would do anything for you without a doubt. If they stuck through college years with you, chances are you’re stuck for life. These girls will be your rocks, your support systems. Whether it’s 2 girls or 8, you need them. I promise. Plus, there’s something that your girlfriends bring to the table that boys just don’t. Like wine, tampons, shared clothing and car karaoke sessions to Beyoncé.

4. Wear lipstick
-It’s a nice pop of color for your dull face and makes you look vibrant and alive and classy. Ask your friends for help on choosing the right shade and for approval after you apply! No one wants to think they look like Emma Stone or Taylor Swift but in actuality they look like the Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight (R.I.P <3)

5. Learn how to cook chicken
-Grilling, sautéing, boiling, baking, George Forman-ing – what have you. Just learn how to do it, damnit.

6. Remember that you don’t have to have your shit together or know what you want to do for the rest of your life.
-Take time to explore your options, your interests, etc. Also, college isn’t for everyone. So don’t think you’re a failure for not going or finishing it.

7. Learn to love wine
-I don’t care what kind. I don’t care how much it cost. Red or white, sweet or dry, $5 bottle of Barefoot or $75 bottle of Robert Hunter. Get yourself a nice glass and fill that bad boy up. Whether you’re alone watching Netflix, having a date night or a night with the girls – please just do me a solid and learn to love wine. Plus, red wine is like healthy for you or something, right?

8. Invest in black leggings (SO MANY of them)
-These are essential for living. They are your best friend. Sleep in them. Work out in them. Wear them with a shirt that adequately covers your vag [please, for us]. Wear them instead of dress pants (if you can pull it off). Get married in them. They are versatile and perfect. Live in them.

9. Don’t compare your life to someone else’s.
-Your job, the way you look, your relationship status, your accomplishments, etc. Your life is your own and your story will be different. Don’t try to make it something it isn’t supposed to be.

10. Do not wash your hair every day.
-Invest in dry shampoo. It’s clutch. Personally, I recommend “Not Your Mothers – Clean Freak” and “Batiste.” Anyways, I’m pretty sure washing your hair everyday isn’t good for your hair so there’s your reasoning to the lazy-girl-dry-shampoo logic.

11. Do what makes YOU happy.
-It’s time to face the facts: some people just suck. Don’t dwell on them or their opinions. “Do you, boo boo.”

12. Use moisturizer!!!
-“You’re never too young to fight aging.”

13. The best cure for a bad day contains the following: your best friends, bad-for-you food and wine.
-I prefer Chick Fil A, Pizza, Queso, Guacamole, Gelato, Chocolate… you get the idea. Eat, drink and talk about anything and everything all at once. It may help you really feel better or it may just distract you temporarily. But regardless, you will feel better for a moment.

14. Everyone poops.
-Get over it. We are 23 years old now, we should fully understand our bodies’ natural responses and the normality of a bowel movement. Quit sitting in the bathroom stall waiting for the next person to leave before you drop your deuce.

15. It’s acceptable to be “slutty” sometimes.
-Take this one and proceed with caution. You are young and you should get to know as many people as you can, experiment and figure out what you like. But please, be smart about it. Throw your cat around at whoever you want but for this I require two things: don’t let them ever define your worth or who you are and use a condom.

16. Always buy the 5 for $27 underwear at Victoria Secret.
-Bonus points for when you catch them on sale for 7 for $26.

17. People make mistakes.
-You are human, you will make mistakes. If you’re smart, you will learn from them. Make the same mistake maybe once or twice. But after that, please get your shit together – for all of our sakes.

18. Please do not post about your boyfriend constantly on social media.
-We get it, your #MCM is your boyfriend. Just like last week. And the week before. And the week before that. Also, please do not refer to him as “bae.” Because, no.

19. Monitor your mustache.
-Everyone has one. Notice it before someone else does. Just accept it, take charge and get rid of it. You’ll thank us later.

20. You need black in your closet.
-A pair of black pumps, a black blazer, a slouchy black tee, a black leather jacket, a nice pair of black denim jeans and a pair of black converse. One [or five] of each and you’re good to go.

21.Either have polished nails or no polish on your nails.
-Refuse the chips and scratches and get yourself a gel or acrylic manicure. Definitely worth the minor investment.

22.Don’t be the asshole that doesn’t switch out the toilet paper or paper towel roll when it runs out.
-And for goodness sakes do not leave the old, cardboard roll on there. Literally, if that’s you, you. are. the. worst.

23. Love isn’t something you can force.
-Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t mean they are going to love you back. Love can’t be forced upon anyone, no matter how bad we want it. As Regina George once said, “quit trying to make fetch happen, it it’s not gonna happen!” Remember when you really, mutually fall in love with someone, it will be well worth all the shit you went through on the way.

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NOBODY LIKES YOU WHEN YOU’RE 23

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