Do you ever find yourself in a place in life where you just don’t know? About anything. And everything. You find yourself contemplating every single aspect of your life, torn between so many options. And you just can’t decide.
Well, if so – hello! I am right here with you.
I am starting to feel like my life is one big indecisive mess. Just when I start think, hey, maybe things are finally coming together; my mind, brain and heart decide to switch everything up on me. Throwing me for the biggest of loops over and over again. I find myself asking myself the same questions over and over again:
What do I want to do with my life?
What kind of person do I want to be?
Will I ever fall in love again?
Will I ever find my ‘person’?
Will I ever decide on a career?
What is my purpose in life?
Will I always be stuck in this rut of not knowing or being able to decide on anything?
Am I happy?
Maybe you’ve got it all figured out already. Love, career, life plans. If so, congrats. But for those of you who don’t have it all figured out – what are we supposed to do? How do we answer these questions that constantly ring in our minds? I can’t even count the number of times I’ve changed my career plans. And here I sit, still completely undecided and frustrated. I just cannot wrap my head around why I haven’t found something that I am so incredibly passionate about and would want to spend the rest of my life pursuing. I know it’s always been said, ‘money doesn’t buy happiness,’ but I’m starting to wonder if I take that route instead. Do I find a job that makes me happy everyday? Or do I find a job that pays me well enough to be able to do the things I love? Trust me – if there was a job that paid for me to travel the world, write freely, try new foods and adventures and help kids out while doing so, I would do it in a heartbeat. But those jobs aren’t so easily attainable and when my heart gets carried away, my brain starts to reel me back in to real life, to what’s realistically possible.
Would I be satisfied if I could work a job that was not-so-fun, but was stable and paid well and allowed me to spend my free time (whatever amount that would be) traveling and volunteering with kids -my two favorite things? Or would I grow complacent and become the type of person who hates their job and lets it ruin everything else in their life? And if it is the latter, how do I find a job doing something I love if I can’t even figure out what I am passionate about. I feel like I continuously keep hitting a wall and am forever stuck in this rut that I cannot escape.
And let’s just talk about relationships. I am the biggest hypocrite when it comes to this topic. I’ve written before, ‘timing is everything’ ‘you can’t wish for something to fall into your lap’ and ‘it will happen when it’s supposed to’ (and more along those lines… I’m sure you get my drift). But then I am the first person to constantly wish for my soul mate, to meet someone who sweeps me off my feet and fall hopelessly, passionately in love… blah blah blah. I’m sure every single girl out there is like ‘preach sister, I feel you’ as they shove another spoonful of Ben & Jerry’s into their mouth and wash it down with a nice glass of Pinot.
I just want to shake myself and ask myself ‘why?’ – why do you feel the need to be in a relationship so badly? Are you lonely? Need reassurance? Because everyone else around you is in relationships, getting married and having babies? And then I want to tell myself to shut up already and take my own advice.
This is what I’m talking about. My constant internal debate. The emotional, day-dreaming version of myself sitting on the end of a seesaw across from the realist, logical version. The girl who wants to travel to foreign countries to explore and hang out with kids – teaching them, laughing with them, and learning from them – but is quickly reminded by her other half that there are bills to be paid, debt to be paid off and work to be done. The girl who wants to meet her best friend, adventure partner and love of her life, lost in a relationship full of adventures, deep talks and endless laughter. But is then faced with the girl who is telling her that she needs to work on determining priorities and goals for her life, getting her shit together in general and loving herself before she even steps foot into another relationship.
I mean, I know I don’t need to have everything figure out right now. But it would sure as hell be nice to have something figured out. I know I’m young and have plenty of time to make mistakes, learn new things and eventually figure it all out. But right now, I just feel like I’m a hamster running in a wheel – trying day after day and never actually getting anywhere.
I know there’s a plan for my life (thanks big guy upstairs) and with patience and trust, I will eventually start to see that plan unfold. But I’ve never been the type to wait for the unknown – my impatience started at a young age. I’ve always wanted to know every detail about everything happening or going to happen. I’ve always had my own plan for my life and my own idea of how it was going to play out and when.
I guess it’s time I try to ditch my old ways of thinking, and be open to what’s to come. I think adapting a simpler, carefree, optimistic outlook and way of living will help me get to that. And I’ve just got to believe that He knows what’s supposed to happen and when it’s supposed to happen. All of this tends to be so much more difficult to actually do than it is to write or say it – but I think we can all get there if we try hard enough. Or don’t try. Maybe trying too hard is what get’s us in this mess in the first place… see there I go with the whole seesawing again.
Regardless of what you believe in, higher power or not, I really think that the universe has a funny way of working things out for all of us. Just exert positivity out to your life and the world around you, and in due time – I think you’ll get it back in return. At least I hope. That’s kind of where I’m at right now. And if you’re as lost as I am in this big tangled web we weave called our twenty something lives – just remember that you’re not alone.